Stop Falling to the Pressures of Life.

Why is life filled with pressures to conform to a specific time frame of getting married or starting a family? Questions like “When are you guys going to get married?” or “When are you going to have a baby?” put unwanted pressure on couples. In my opinion, these life questions are personal and not any of your business. Frankly, you may not realize the pressure or even turmoil caused by asking these innocent questions.

When Rob and I were dating, we used to get the dreaded question of when we were going to get married. We used to laugh about this question and the pressure. We even vowed never to ask this question to a dating couple! We loved one another but we considered the decision to get married a big decision. It is a BIG decision that should not be made lightly. Maybe that is why the divorce rate is so high in our society. The pressure of getting married may cause some couples to make that commitment prematurely. Let’s be honest…marriage is HARD. It is not a fairy tale…I wish it was! Heck, I wish relationships were exactly like all the romantic comedy movies I like to watch! Reality is that living with someone else with a different background and habits is tough. Making decisions together is sometimes tough when opinions differ. Marriage is a work in progress and two people choosing to get married just because they have dated for X number of years seems foolish to me. Have you ever thought that the couple may talk about marriage but perhaps they do not have the money to have the wedding they want? Maybe he is saving to buy a ring and he feels like he is under pressure to propose within a certain period. Your opinion of when a couple should marry is just that…YOUR opinion.

Once a couple marries the next question you get from friends, family, and even strangers is, “When are you going to have a baby?” There is pressure from parents. They say sneaky things like “We are ready to be grandparents”. UGH! Have you ever thought that the couple could be struggling to get pregnant? Maybe they have suffered from a miscarriage. By asking them, you are reminding them of the insecurity they feel around getting pregnant. Infertility affects many couples. One in four women has a miscarriage. Stillbirth affects 1 in 160 pregnancies. I have had a miscarriage and a stillbirth! Think before you ask. On the other hand, maybe the couple is not ready to become parents. For those couples who want to wait a few years why is society pressuring them to have a baby? If you are a parent, do you not remember the complete shift your life makes after having a baby? It is a HUGE transition and I believe that most of us would agree that some couples become parents before they realize what they are getting into. I mean I wanted a baby, but I sure did not realize how life changes after having a baby. A baby is a blessing but a baby also calls for some hard work and dedication.

The dreaded question for us now is “when are you having another child?” or “are you going to have another?” Have you ever thought that maybe the family you are asking is just fine with one child? Maybe they have their hands full with one. Maybe they cannot afford another. Or maybe they are having trouble getting pregnant with another. Honestly, for us I do not know the answer to that question. It has only been 4 ½ months since we lost Everly Eden. Every time this question comes up, I have flashbacks to losing her. The shock. The disappointment. The feeling of loss. The feeling of empty arms. Thoughts start to float around my mind of whether I am ready for pregnancy again (it is a big commitment, you know). I start to think about the possible outcomes. What if we have another miscarriage or what if our baby is full term and we end up leaving the hospital again with empty arms. What if we have another bundle of joy and it is difficult to handle a toddler and a newborn! Let’s just say, when we decide to have another child we will not be considering anyone else’s opinion. I say that with love! Honestly, that decision is between Rob, me…, and God!

Therefore, I ask why society has become so fixated on marriage and having kids in a specified time frame? Just because you decided to get married at X age does not mean that is the right thing for everyone. And just because you decided to have children X number of year(s) after getting married, does not mean that everyone else should follow your timeline. When will people relax and let things happen, as people are ready? Why put unnecessary pressure on anyone to make these kinds of life-changing decisions? Perhaps if outsiders spent less time focused on a time frame for couples in their sphere of influence, divorce rates and the number of ill-prepared parents would decrease.

And for those that feel the pressures of life… Stop letting other people’s opinions affect your feelings. If you feel you are not ready for marriage or a baby then WAIT! No one knows better than you. If the decision seems unsettling then it probably is not the right timing. Pray about it. And when you are ready, you will make the right decision for YOU!

Photo credit: Ashley Botkin Photography

Thanks for reading! Leave your comments below. No pressure. Ha!